A man will be with those he loves
Ever since the exams have ended (Alhamdulillah!) and the holidays has started, I’ve felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders, albeit temporarily. School will reopen in a month but masyaAllah, I am so in need of this holiday. This semester has been the most trying yet; mentally, physically and emotionally. I am glad things are really looking up for me. Alhamdulillah. :)
I’ve been a staunch believer of: “What Allah takes away, He replaces with something better.” When all hopes seem to be extinguished, when all manner of solution seemed despaired, I will continue holding on tightly to this belief that I’ve always had. It is not that I expect Him to replace or compensate, astaghfirullah, no way. But its just that in the deepest depths of my heart, I just know that this is true. I could doubt if someone tells me that paper was made from trees or that the sky is blue, but this I could never doubt.
Yet again, Allah has presented to me a most beautiful gift. He never stops supplying me with people who inspire me endlessly, who makes me reflect about the state of my heart, who makes my eyes water with their beautiful akhlaq, who takes my sorrows away, who gives me reasons to prolong my sujud to thank Allah for their presence in my life, who gives me reasons to smile to sleep at night, and reasons to challenge myself and strive to be better always.
Indeed Allah is al-Kareem, and He gives without condition. I would never have deserved this out of my own doing. His Mercy is undeniably vast. And being the lowly servant at the receiving end of this just makes me feel so ashamed, so incredibly indebted, and so in need of Him. No amount of thanks could suffice.
“And He gives you of all that you ask for. But if you count the favours of Allah, never will you be able to number them. Verily, man is given up to injustice and ingratitude.”
Surah Ibrahim 14:34
“That Allah may reward them according to the best of their deeds, and add even more for them out of His Grace: for Allah does provide for those whom He will, without measure.”
Surah An-Nur 24:38
Time and again, I am reminded and haunted by my past. I know we all go through that. I tell myself that there really is no use dwelling on the past because I can’t change it. Its there, its ugly, it has happened, and nothing I can do now is going to rewind this life so that I may do things differently. I have trouble letting go, trouble moving on, trouble to reconcile my past and my present and my future. I am afraid to dream and to have hopes and to want great things for myself because I keep thinking my past will catch up with me and that the skeletons in the closet will come out to play one day.
I have trouble putting the past behind me because I’ve caused too much hurt and I always feel like I’m going to hurt anyone who gets too close to me. I never have the intention to but it just somehow seems to happen, which really saddens me because I always tell myself to bring benefit to others, to try let others see how great Allah is, to somehow make them want to love the Prophet SAW etc. Sometimes I succeed (I think), sometimes I don’t, but I will try again nonetheless. InsyaAllah, with Allah’s Permission and Grace, I could affect some change, not much maybe, but a bit here and a bit there would be good.
I have trouble with hoping for the future because I have this crazy phobia now that my life is in constant change. 2008 has seen a lot of changes and there is going to be more changes in the next few months. I can’t help but feel there is no sense of permanence. I spent a good deal of time crying yesterday thinking about the people that I want to have in my life for a long time, and how things might be if they were not around. Allah has truly given me the best of people and the best of friends to go through this journey with me. But the biggest tests also happen to things and people that are dearest to you. And the people that are so dear to me now, masyaAllah, I swing like a pendulum wanting to keep them close and at times, wanting them to go, just so I could save myself the pangs of grief if they were really ever to go, or be taken away from me.
I know He has lessons in all that has happened. Some days I feel like I maybe kind of see why certain things happened, there are some things I’ve yet to made peace with, and many other things I hope and pray for and can only wait and see for the outcome. One thing’s for sure though: Allah has only wanted the best for me. Things only get better, never worse. And for that I am immensely thankful. In recent years, no matter the uncertainties, I always feel like I’m in good hands. I mean, of course, who else to help me with my affairs if not for the Master of Planners right? :) Prayers and istikhara has put me in good stead all these while. They are 2 things I will try never to abandon. InsyaAllah. Ya Rabbi, help me to achieve istiqomah. Let Your Pleasure/Redha and Blessings be my first priority in making any decision for myself.
“Surely, the human being is at loss. Except for those who have faith and do righteous deeds and exhort one another to truth and exhort one another to patience.”
Surah Al-`Asr 103:2-3
“The believing men and women are protecting friends of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong: they observe regular Prayes, practise regular Charity, and obey Allah and His Messenger. On them will Allah pour His Mercy: for Allah is Exalted in power, Wise.”
Surah At-Tawbah 9:71
Ya Allah, let the love in my heart be pure and sincere and free from all evil and selfish desires. Let it be guided and blessed by You. Let our friendship last beyond worldly needs and companionship but to help each other in achieving your Pleasure and in changing our bad deeds into good, our bad characteristics into beautiful akhlaq, and to help keep the love for You and the Prophet SAW aflame in each other’s hearts always. Ya Mujib, answer the prayers that we make in secret for each other. Accept the deeds we do on behalf of the other. Bless us and guide us always ya Allah.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, “A Muslim’s supplication for his brother in secret is answered. At his head an angel is appointed, and whenever he supplicates for his brother with something good, the angel appointed to him says, ‘Ameen, and likewise for you’” (Muslim).
Ya Arhama Rahimeen, Let me be with those I love, if not in this life, then in the next ya Rabb; in the life that will last forever, where all veils will be removed, where we will no longer be blinded from Reality. Ameen ya Rabbal Alameen.