Where & how do I start this? You know how this heart is feeling. Countless, unending praises for my Rabb Who knows me better than anybody else. Countless, unending praises for my Rabb Who never stops giving. Countless, unending praises for my Rabb Who loves me despite my many shortcomings & the many sins on my back. Countless, unending praises for my Rabb Who forgives & forgives & never tires of forgiving even when Your servant tires of sinning.
Another one of my du’a that you have answered. Months ago, I asked that You punish me for my sins in this life instead of the next because I would not be able to bear it then. This pain I’m going through, make it a cleansing for my sins, my parents’ sins & the sins of the nation of Sayyidina Muhammad SAW. I never saw this as a punishment, but a blessing from You. I hope that you grant me patience & perseverance to go through this.
How silly I was to cry over the pain because I didn’t know how long this would last…
There, You taught me to rely on You and You alone. Nothing moves without Your permission. That gives me unspoken comfort because I know that it is from You and I’m willing to take anything.
How silly I was to cry thinking that if this were to be prolonged, I might not be the soccer mom that I envisioned myself to be…
There, You taught me not to have lengthy hopes. My life is here & now, those things that are out of my reach are not my business. I can only plan & hope & rely on You.
How silly I was to cry over the possibility that I might not be as active as I have been, that I might not be able to enjoy the sports & outdoors as much as I would like, that I might be a burden to my beloved parents…
There, You taught me that everything comes from You. Every inch of my body belongs to You. It is Yours to take, whenever You want to. And I am willing. For You, I am willing because I have nothing to give except what is already Yours.
Countless, unending praises for You my Rabb. I cannot put in words how grateful I am to be taught directly by You. How much I have taken Your gifts for granted, how few my words of thanks to the One Who has given me everything.
I don’t know if I have passed, I don’t think I ever will, but thank you for the lessons on gratitude, sincerity & patience. :)
When You have granted me the gift of Islam & the honour of Iman, what is a little pain? When You have given me ease to walk & run for the past 20 years of my life, what is a few weeks of reduced mobility? When You have bestowed upon me good health for most of my life, what is there for me to complain about now? When You are still allowing me to see the beauty around me, still allowing me to touch the ones I love & get hugs from them, still allowing me to see the lines from the Qur’an & hear the beautiful sounds it makes when one is reading it, still letting me move about Your land, what is this pain compared to all that?
Have I not always asked for the death of a martyr? What is this pain compared to the broken bones & blood shed by the Companions that fought alongside the Prophet SAW? What is this compared to the sacrifice of various martyrs like As Syahid Hasan Al-Banna, As Syahidah Sumayyah bint Khabbab, As Syahid Sayyid Qutb? And those oppressed in Palestine & Iraq & others who suffered physical torture and/or death while upholding the Qur’an & Sunnah?
Yes, I do miss prostrating before You. I have had to pray on a chair because of the pain but countless, unending praises to You for allowing me to pray to You still! Yes, I do miss putting my head on the ground before You but countless, unending praises to You for always listening & giving comfort to this little fragile heart. Yes, I do miss praying like I used to but countless, unending praises to You Ya Rabbi for making me realize so many important things that I otherwise would never have learnt except through this means.
Truly, You know best how to teach Your servants & I thank You unceasingly for I have a Rabb Who loves, Who comforts, Who teaches, Who gives, Who has chosen me to be His servant & not a slave to this world, Who has chosen me to be from the nation of Sayyidina Habibina Syafi’ina Muhammad SAW & Who has given me my optimistic personality & my never-ending smile.
Inna solati, wa nusuki, wa mahyahya, wa mamati, lillahi Rabbil-‘alamin.
Verily, my prayers, my ibadah, my life & my death is only for Allah, the Lord of the Worlds. :)
Sayyidina Anas RA reports, Sayyidina Rasulullah SAW said: “If a Muslim is afflicted with a bodily affliction (illness etc), it is said to the angel (who records his pious deeds), continue recording the pious deeds he committed in his state of good health. If Allah grants him recuperation, He will cleanse him. If Allah grants him death, He will forgive & have mercy on him.”
-Sharhus Sunnah, Mishkaat.
Muhammad bin Khaalid as-Salamii narrates from his father, who narrated from his grandfather that Sayyidina Rasulullah SAW said: “When a bondsman is going to be granted a certain status from Allah, which he cannot reach through his own deed, Allah ta’ala afflicts him with some calamity in his body, or to his wealth, or children, then grants him sabr (patience), until he reaches that status which has been determined for him.”
-Ahmed, Abu Daawud, Mishkaat.
Sayyidina Jaabir RA says, Sayyidina Rasulullah SAW said: “When the afflicted ones are given reward on the day of qiyaamah (judgment), the healthy ones will wish their skins were cut with scissors in the world (so they may also attain the same rewards).”
Ummul Mu’miniin Sayyidatina Aaishah RA says, Sayyidina Rasulullah SAW said: “When the sins of a bondsman increases, and he does not possess deeds which will atone for it, Allah Ta’ala will afflict him with sorrow to expiate for those sins.”
Oh Allah, I ask You for blessings & comfort that does not end, and such coolness of the eyes that does not cease, and contentment upon what You have decreed, and a happy & cool life after death; and the bliss & pleasure of seeing Your Countenance; and the craving desire to meet You without harmful detriment & trials that lead astray.
Oh Allah I ask You triumph in my fate, and the hospitality of a martyr, and the living of the pious, and the companionship of the Prophets, and victory over enemies.
Oh Allah, make my love for You the most beloved thing to me, and my fear for You the most fearful thing to me, and remove from me all worldly needs & wants by instilling a passion for meeting You, and when You have given the people of the world the pleasures of their world, make the coolness of my eyes in worshipping You.
Oh Allah, help me be the best servant amongst Your servants & the best lover amongst Your lovers.